Casey shuddered as the cold wind filtered through her jacket. She gripped the railing and looked cautiously over the edge. At the bottom of the rocky face, the surf pounded onto the rocks, sending salt spray half way up the cliff. Casey looked at the car, where her boyfriend sat at the wheel. He looked up and saw her. He smiled. Casey waved back, then turned and stared at the horizon.
Why did you do it, Jewel? Why? She bit her lip, trying not to cry. Trying not to imagine her friend climbing over the rail, trying not to imagine her jump. Trying not to believe that Jewel felt that she had no way out.
Casey gulped down the salty air and wiped her eyes. She bent down, picking up a bunch of flowers lying by her feet. Staring at them, a single feeling swept over her. She didn’t want to throw them away. They were like her last memory of Jewel. Keep them forever. Cherish them. She wanted them with her to remind her.
Don’t be so damn stupid, she told herself. You’ve got heaps of things to remind you of her. There’s the photos, and the video, and the CDs you never gave back to her and …
Casey crumpled to the ground, her legs unable to support her. She clutched at the railing, blinded by tears and fearing the fall. Sweeping the ground around her, she found the flowers. Their sweet fragrance filled the air, hiding the salty scent.
Jewel! The seagulls circled overhead.
“Shut up! Shut up! Just shut up!” Casey screamed.
The car door slammed. Jamie came over and sat down. Casey clung to him, unable to control her sobs. He held her, rocking gently, until she had quieted down.
“Why did she do it?”
“Don’t know. Nobody knows.”
“I could have done something. If only she had told me what was wrong.”
“Maybe. Maybe you could have. But don’t make yourself miserable because you didn’t. You can’t turn back time.”
Casey looked up at him. “What if it was me,” she whispered. “What if I was the problem. Then she couldn’t tell me. She wouldn’t tell me if I was the problem. I was the problem. It was me.” Her words were overcome by tears.
“You weren’t the problem. It was something else, Casey. Jewel would tell you if it was you.”
“Then why couldn’t she tell me what the problem was? Why didn’t she tell me? Why did she jump?”
“Casey, I don’t know the answers. Nobody does. People can guess, and blame themselves, but nobody knows. People can’t turn back time.”
“You’re not helping.”
Jamie was quiet.
“The only thing you can do now is say goodbye, and remember the good things. Don’t focus on her death. Jewel would hate that. She would hate you thinking that there must’ve been something that you could’ve done.”
“Shut up, Jamie. Shut up.”
“No! Listen to me.” Jamie looked at Casey. “It’s horrible. But it’s not what you should concentrate on. Remember when she was alive, not dead. Don’t think there was some way that you could have helped her, and you didn’t. Don’t think that it was your fault that she jumped. It was her decision, Casey. No one else’s. She didn’t ask for help, didn’t show that she needed help. Nobody knew how distressed she was, she didn’t show it.”
“I was her friend! I should have seen it.”
“Friends don’t always tell the whole truth.”
“We should change.” Casey grumbled.
Jamie smiled a little. “Yeah, we should eh?” He was silent for a moment, “Do you know?”
“Know what?”
“The truth.”
“I don’t know the truth! I wish I did, but I don’t know why she jumped.”
“Not why she jumped. I don’t mean that. Can you tell the truth about her life, the way you remember her?”
Casey was silent.
“Which Jewel?”
“Whichever one was her.”
She hesitated. Then she got to her feet and picked up the flowers. She stared at the sea, angry with it for taking her friend away, grateful to it for ending her misery. She glanced at the flowers, then heaved them over the railing and watched silently as they fell down the cliff and vanished underneath the churning waves. Casey turned around and stared at Jamie. He held out his hand and together they walked to the car.
“Jamie?”
“Yeah?”
“Can I tell you about the Jewel I knew?”
“Sure.”
This work was originally published in the YWCA booklet, Ehara i a Koe Anake - You're Not Alone, and is subject to the copyright conditions of that publication.