To think, two years ago I was an unstable teenager, with no role models, no direction in my life, and living in an environment not even fit for your own dog. Time and time again, I've tried to write down and tell you my story. A story that started off with hopeful dreams, new beginnings, new experiences, meeting new people and making it. A story I have shared with so many people, so unlike me, they don't have to go through the experience to learn the lesson. So I will cut the story short and portray this to you. My story. My life.
I had been in my new school for ten months. It sucked, I hated it. It was too crowded, it had too many rules, and it was four times bigger than my old school. I just couldn't handle the big jump, from a secluded girls’ private school, to a rather large co-ed state school. I used to go to a Maori girls' boarding college, for two years. I decided to leave this small controlled environment for bigger and better things. I had found my cultural identity, now I was in search of my academic ability. Don't get me wrong. I was one of the top students in my year, yet I needed a wider range of opportunities in my education, something the old school lacked.
So I enrolled at an out of town state school, but eventually I didn't even go to school.
There were bigger and better things life was offering, alcohol, sex, drugs! You name it, I did it. It was just one big party after another. This was my life.
One day I found my reflection staring me back in the mirror. It wasn't a pretty sight. My face was drawn; my eyes were bloodshot, with dark saggy circles underneath them. I looked a fright. Then it was as if reality come up from behind and hit me on the head. I had wasted a whole year, for what? I had nothing to show for it. No education, no certificates and no knowledge of doing extremely well. Only reports that said, "...your daughter does not attend class enough to get a passing grade" or "...she is more than capable, however..." It was things like that, why my parents never laid eyes on any of my report cards.
Then I thought of my home environment. My father was a student himself, so he was forever taking his moods swings out on my sister and I, he was a druggie, he did it around us all the time, since we were young, it was like his way out. So I thought if it's his way out, it should work for me too. That’s when drugs entered my life. He had no idea.
Then I stopped. Why? Mainly because I didn’t want to end up like my father. He would verbally and mentally abuse us, on the odd occasion he would hit us, and for what? Really we didn't do anything wrong, but if he took all his frustrations and problems out on us, then he didn’t have to blame himself. Why was he like this? Because of drugs. They had got to him and he couldn't get out, and I refused to end up like him and follow his path in life. I had no role models. My sister wasn't much older than me, I never went to school so I never looked up to any teachers, and my mother lived nearly two hours away. Really my only role model was my father, and look where that got me.
Two years later, believe it or not I'm still in school. I am in my seventh form year, with four months to go. I did, however, end up repeating my fifth form. It was hell, but when I moved back in with my mum and was surrounded with my family I knew I would be able to make it. It was the best decision I had made for myself in a very long time. It’s not a fairy tale ending, with 'they lived happily ever after'. I still struggle with life’s obstacles thrown at me, but I deal with it my way.
I believe that young women of today need a lot of tautoko (support) from everyone, friends, family, and teachers, anyone who is willing to be there for you. Because when you’re a young women everything seems that little bit harder, everyone wants to take what they can from you and not give back. I know. I've lived it.
You don't have to go through life thinking no one cares for you; it’s one of the worst possible experiences life has to offer. If you find yourself getting into a position similar to myself, I advise you to seek help and support, because you are not alone!
This work was originally published in the YWCA booklet, Ehara i a Koe Anake - You're Not Alone, and is subject to the copyright conditions of that publication.