I walked into the school counsellor’s office for the third time that week. Since the last two times I had refused to speak one word to him.
“Look, Susan, I think you really should make an effort in adapting to life in New Zealand. I know this is hard for you, I can understand that. But I…”
He never got to finish.
“Oh, you do understand, do you?” I cut him off.
“Have you ever been in a room full with people laughing and joking while you stand there amongst them feeling loneliness crushing you? Have you ever woken up at night and found your face flooded with tears, because you just dreamt about your friends back home that you might never see again? Have you ever wished upon a star for a friend who can laugh with you, and not at you? So, have you? Have you?”
Seeing the counsellor’s face suddenly bursting red with humiliation, I knew it would be the last time for me to step into his office. It was.
That was my attitude to anyone who attempted to help me find a new way of living. Before I came to New Zealand, I did not know what it was really like. Yes, I knew it was green, there were lots of sheep, it was seven times bigger than Taiwan, and they spoke English. But that was as much as I knew about New Zealand, which really did not help in settling here.
I remember agreeing to my parent’s suggestion of immigrating to New Zealand though. For an eleven-year-old child who did not even fully understand the word ‘immigration’, visiting a foreign country was pretty fascinating. And so I packed all my belongings, had a big farewell party, shed a few tears, and left in a big hurry. It was not that Taiwan was such a horrible place, but at that time all I could even think of was new place, new people, and heaps of fun!
A week after our arrival, I hated this place. I wanted to go back to Taiwan. New Zealand was nothing like what I thought it would be. Yes sure, it is green, there are lots of sheep, it is seven times bigger than Taiwan, and they speak English. All of that was true. The problem was that I thought we could just come here, settle down, meet new friends, go to school, and carry on with our great life. I thought it was like moving to another city, and we could just go back at anytime if we wanted to. I thought there was not much difference between New Zealand and Taiwan. I was wrong.
The first thing was that I missed my best friend. I missed her a whole lot. I often break into tears just thinking about the precious times that we spent together. I missed that time when we barbecued on the beach and overcooked every slice of our meat but ate it happily anyway; I missed the times that we shared secret jokes; and I missed all the sleep-overs when we shared our fears and sorrows and talked about the dream life we both wanted. I couldn’t stand the thought of not seeing her again.
And then there was the language barrier. I thought English would not be hard. I went to an American school for three years when I was very young, so I thought English here would be the same and everything would be a piece of cake. I was wrong again. I went to school, and I had no idea whatsoever of what the teachers and students were talking about. It felt like I was from another planet.
I have been living in New Zealand for four years now. It is a long time, and time could change things. English is not so hard now, although sometimes I still have difficulties understanding specific words. I still miss my best friend, but not as desperately as before. We have been writing to each other since the day that I came, and I am pretty sure we will keep writing. I still want to go back to Taiwan, not to live, but for a visit. All the fear that I felt when I first came has long gone into the night wind.
Yes, New Zealand is still green, it still has a lot of sheep, it is still seven times larger than Taiwan, and the people here still speak English. What changed was, I have some idea of what New Zealand is like, and I like it.
This work was originally published in the YWCA booklet, Ehara i a Koe Anake - You're Not Alone, and is subject to the copyright conditions of that publication.