Your Sexuality…

• began at your birth and will end at your death
• is about how you think, act and feel as a woman
• exists independently of anybody else.

Orientation

Part of your sexuality is your sexual orientation and identity.

Learning about your sexuality is a time for EXPLORATION and discovering YOU.

The following is an intro to the main types of sexual identity: heterosexual, lesbian and bisexual.

Ngā Kōwhiringa Tōtika.

Sussing out your sexuality can be stressful. People around you can be demanding – telling you how to behave, who to like, and what to do if you’re going out with someone.

• Learn about yourself.
• Like yourself.
• Choose how you want to live life and ENJOY your sexuality!

Different Strokes for Different Folks

Heterosexual

Tōsina o Tamatane - Tamafafine

Heterosexual means: “attraction to the opposite sex”

eg Romeo & Juliet, Tutanekai & Hinemoa, Homer & Marge, Jen & Brad.

If you have strong feelings of attraction ONLY when around males, such as…

• Have heart flutters around guy/s you like
• Giggle, blush or get all clumsy when around guy/s you like
• Stare at pictures of guy/s you like whenever you can
• Find yourself thinking about guy/s you like a lot!
• Try to get the attention of guy/s you like whenever possible
• Feel ‘intense’ or unusually emotional when around a guy you like

…it could mean you are heterosexual or are having heterosexual feelings.

This doesn’t mean you have to be going out with someone, and it doesn’t mean you have to be having sex if you are.

Remember, there are many ways of showing your physical affection for someone without having sexual intercourse. If you are having intercourse, you need to get all the info on safe sex to protect yourself from STIs (Sexually Transmitted Infections) and unplanned pregnancy. Check out the Doing It page, and the Enjoying It page.

Lesbian

Wahine Takatāpui

Lesbian means: “a woman who is sexually attracted to other women”

Teine fa’anofolua

eg Ellen De Generes, Melissa Etheridge, KD Lang, Paula Boock

Other names sometimes used to mean lesbian include gay, dyke, queer, homosexual. Unfortunately these words have sometimes been used in negative ways, as an insult. But lesbian women themselves often use them as postive terms to describe who they are and what they identify with.

If you have strong feelings of attraction ONLY when around women, such as….

• Have heart flutters around girl/s you like
• Giggle, blush or get all clumsy when around girl/s you like
• Stare at pictures of girl/s you like whenever you can
• Find yourself thinking about girl/s you like a lot!
• Try to get the attention of girl/s you like whenever possible
• Feel ‘intense’ or unusually emotional when around a girl you like

…. it could mean you are lesbian or are having lesbian feelings.

This doesn’t mean you have to be going out with someone, and it doesn’t mean you have to be having sex if you are.

Most women are emotionally attracted to, love, and have close friendships with their women friends. This is different from the sexual attraction which defines lesbian sexuality.

Some women identify as being lesbian since birth, others have made the choice to be lesbian or discover this later in life.

For a young lesbian woman, being attracted to another woman is easy, but acknowledging and expressing that attraction can be more difficult.

Most people will think you are heterosexual (‘straight’) until you ‘come out’ and identify yourself as lesbian. ‘Coming out’ to the people around you – if you decide to do this – is a different experience for different people. It can be…

A relief:

“Is that all it is? I feel so much better now!”

Frustrating:

“why can’t I find someone else like me?”

Terrifying:

“oh my God they all think I’m a freak”

Wonderful:

“I’m out, I’m out, I LOVE being a lessie!”

In most cities and towns there are groups where gay women can meet each other, support each other, and socialise. There are also helplines - Lesbian Line, Gayline and Youthline which you can call if you need to talk. Check out the Help page for more info.

It is ILLEGAL for anyone to discriminate against you
because of your sexual orientation.

Remember, there are many ways of showing your physical affection for someone without having sexual intercourse. If you choose to have sex, lesbian sex is as interesting and varied as heterosexual sex. It’s up to you and your partner to work out what feels good, and what works for you. Many women’s bookshops and university/specialist bookshops have lesbian & gay sections which include books about lesbian sex if you would like to explore more ideas. If you having sex with another woman, you still need to get all the info on safe sex to protect yourself from STIs (Sexually Transmitted Infections). Check out the Doing It page, and the Enjoying It page.

Bisexual

Loto tōsina i tane ma fafine

Bisexual means being sexually attracted to members of both sexes. If you are bisexual, you are attracted to both men AND women – though not necessarily at the same time!

eg: Drew Barrymore, Anne Hesche, Angelina Jolie

“For me, it’s about being attracted to a person – not their gender” Ange, 23yrs

If you have strong feelings of attraction when around women AND men that you like, it could mean you are bisexual or are having bisexual feelings.

This doesn’t mean you have to be going out with someone, and it doesn’t mean you have to be having sex if you are.

Maybe you recognise that you do feel sexually attracted to both males and females but feel a bit worried by this. RELAX, you’re OK!

Identifying your feelings as bisexual, first to yourself and then to other people, can be a similar process to ‘coming out’ as a lesbian. People can react in many different ways.

“My father was shocked and said straight away, ‘So how many people do you have sex with at once?’ Wow, he thought I was into group sex and heaps of lovers like I was a rabbit or something!”  - Lisa, 17yrs

“I didn’t tell Peter that the last person I went out with was a woman until we’d already been out a couple of times. He was really shocked and went all quiet, I thought ‘Well that’s that – it’s over!’. But eventually he starts smiling and gets this funny look, and now he thinks it’s quite neat – he’s made me feel special.”  - Nanette, 17yrs

If you’re getting into a sexual relationship with a young woman or a guy, remember:

• Protect yourself from sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and unplanned pregnancy
• ALWAYS use condoms with a guy, and if you are using sex toys with either a man or a woman.
• Use dental dams if you have oral sex
• Read the Doing It and Enjoying It pages to find out more.

In most cities and towns there are groups where gay women can meet each other, support each other, and socialise. There are also helplines - Lesbian Line, Gayline and Youthline which you can call if you need to talk. Check out the Help page for more info.

Remember, it is ILLEGAL for anyone to discriminate against you
because of your sexual orientation.

In a Nutshell:

• Feel OK about you.
• Trust in yourself.
• Enjoy experimenting - but protect yourself from getting hurt.
• Be sharp about looking after YOU!
• Relax. Chill. Don’t expect big and instant answers to all your questions - a lot of issues work themselves out with time.
• Ask for help if you need it.
• Choose how you want to live and ENJOY your sexuality.

Young women often ask us questions about sexuality at the YWCA. Questions come through the mail and during our young women’s programmes. We’ve put together a Frequently Asked Questions page with some of those questions, and we’ve asked Merryn at Rainbow Youth plus Jan from the YWCA National Office to offer some answers.

Check out the Help & Links page for information on where to go to read more about sexual orientation, and who you can talk to if you need help or support.