Sexual Abuse - Ai Tukino

Today, different terms are used to describe behavior that is sexually abusive - sexual assault, sexual abuse, rape, sexual violation. Some of these words have a particular meaning in the law. Here, the term ‘sexual abuse’ is used to describe all of these things.

Sexual abuse is about any unwanted sexual conduct. Intercourse without your agreement is ‘rape’, and rape is a form of sexual abuse.

Sexual abuse, like other forms of abuse, such as emotional abuse and physical abuse, is about power. Power of one person over another. More often men abuse women than the other way around but everybody has the potential to abuse. On this page we have only used male terms like ‘he’, ‘his’, ‘boyfriend’ etc because male to female abuse is more common. However, abuse can also occur from woman to woman – this information is equally relevant for any abuse situation.

Sexual Abuse is an invasion of your body, your privacy, your sexuality, your emotions, your life.

Sexual Abuse takes away your confidence and self-esteem.

Sexual abuse can happen at any age 2 years, 22years, 82 years- and is usually done by someone who knows you – a family member, family friend, boy or girl friend, colleague. Sometimes women are attacked and raped on the street.

Date Rape

A common form of sexual abuse against young women is DATE RAPE.

This is where you’ve gone out with someone maybe for the evening, and things have started getting physical- maybe a bit of kissing, fondling, cuddling, then the guy wants to go further, he keeps going and he winds up having intercourse with you when you didn’t want to. This is rape. Even if he didn’t mean to hurt you or felt like he couldn’t stop, it was wrong for him to have intercourse with you when you didn’t want it - when you were saying ‘no’ or acting ‘no’ or even thinking ’no’. He should have stopped when you were showing that you really did not want to have sex. He took control of your body for himself. You didn’t ‘ask for it’ and it’s not your fault. Maybe he didn’t actually have intercourse with you but he felt parts of you more than you wanted. This is sexual abuse and you will probably feel very confused and hurt and invaded.

How can this happen when you know the guy? He (was) a friend?

Some of it has to do with the way young women and men are taught they are supposed to be with each other:

Guys: “macho” aggressive, in control

Girls: ”feminine” passive, a pleaser

When two people going out for the night have such different ideas about what the other person wants and how they think they should be behaving it can lead to hopeless misunderstandings and terrible consequences such as rape and sexual abuse.

“I felt stink. I hated myself, I couldn’t stop feeling like I let this happen.” Lisa, 16 years old.

REMEMBER, IF YOU ARE RAPED IT’S NEVER YOUR FAULT!

How can I best protect myself? E fa’apefea ona puipuia lou tagata?

• Decide what you want. What feels alright for you physically? How far is enough for you at the moment. What is too much?
• Talk to each other. Tell your boyfriend what you feel comfortable with. Listen to what he is saying. Find out how he feels about your decision and what his wishes are. If you want different things then maybe you’re not that suited.
• Be Assertive. Say what you mean and continue to say it over and over again. Let your body give messages of strength, too. Move away when you are not comfortable, stand tall. Talk as though you what you’re saying is very important (because it is!).
• Trust your feelings. If your boyfriend is being pushy, don’t accept it. When you first get the feeling that things aren’t OK, say something or do something to get out of the situation, eg: ”Hey I don’t like the way you are treating me” or “Stop, I want to go to the loo” - and leave. If things get a bit difficult, be stroppy - use your body, kick, scratch, bite, push and get out if you can. Don’t blame yourself if you find yourself unable to do some of these things at the time. Don’t feel bad about hurting him if you have to.
• Be aware of your boyfriend’s actions.
  Pay attention to behaviour that isn’t respectful to you - even simple things like your boyfriend trying to show you he’s stronger than you. It might seem like teasing, but it could also mean he’s not going to listen to you at other times.
• Be aware of the affects of drugs and alcohol. You don’t want to be out of it when you need to make a decision about sex. Get to know your own drink/drug tolerance level. Be aware also that drinks can be spiked with drugs, without your knowledge. Never leave your drink unattended – if you do, throw it away. If you think there is something strange about the way your drink tastes or makes you feel – throw it away.

Survival - te ora i te mate

Everybody reacts differently when they’ve been abused. There’s no right or wrong way to react. Sexual abuse causes many different feelings and reactions such as:

• humiliation, feeling horrible, disgust, powerlessness
• numbness, disbelief, feeling out of it, freaked out, feeling fear
• feeling guilty, responsible, blaming yourself
• isolation, wanting to be on your own and not tell anyone else about it
• self destructive - development of eating disorders, using alcohol and drugs.

Getting help and starting to deal with it is not easy. The best thing you can do is to tell someone you trust about it - even if the abuse happened ages ago. What happened will have affected you. Memories of the effects of sexual abuse might keep popping back up at all times of your life.

“I started having flashbacks with my last lover of my uncle doing stuff. My lover and I would be in the middle of something intimate and I’d wanna jump up and make the bed or rush off and have a shower. I didn’t really know what was going on”. Hana 21 years.

Aua le nofo filemu pea e fa’avavau - it’s not good to stay silent forever

If you have been raped there is also a risk that you may be pregnant or have an STI which doesn’t always show. You’ll need a physical check. Even if it happened years ago it’s a good idea to make sure things are OK.

On the Help & Links page, read about the different groups of skilled and caring people (usually women) who are trained to listen, check you out, and help you through the healing process.

Rape and sexual abuse are illegal

O le tosoteine ma le fa’amalosi i feusuaiga fa’aulugalii e le ni tulaga fa’a-le-tulafono.

The person who has or is abusing you has broken the law. You can go to the police (even if the abuse happened a long time ago) - but you don’t have to. Remember you can take friends and whanau with you for support.

If you change your mind about going through with the complaint, get in touch with the police officer you are dealing with and tell him/her you have decided not to take it any further. The police can still go ahead even if you don’t want them to but it’s unlikely because often you will be the only witness.

In some places you can also take your complaint to a marae where it will be dealt with by your community and the whanau of those involved.

Sexual abuse counselling  - go for it.

“I got date raped on my birthday. For seven years I hated my birthday and lots of the time I hated myself. Things got really bad and I wound up in hospital. I’ve sorted a lot of it out now. This year I had a much better birthday and got spoiled by everyone.” Maria, 23 years

Click here to visit our Help & Links pages

Coming soon, we’ll have a series of in-depth information pieces on sexual abuse from Rape Crisis. Meanwhile, click here to contact them.