Relationships

Feelings and Emotions - Ngā Whakapiripiringa

Research has shown that many young women are often unsure of themselves when they meet a guy. Guys have said that they don’t know how to talk to a young woman, they don’t know what she wants and feel unsure about showing their feelings. So many young heterosexual men and women are unsure about going out together and can have very different ideas and expectations. Even though women usually understand each other better, the same can be true for young lesbian, bisexual, takatāpui women beginning a relationship with each other.

• Take it slowly, most relationships take time to get going.
• Think about how YOU feel.
• Choose what YOU want.

You can go out with a guy/girl and be intimate and close without getting physical – stuff like hanging out together at parties, movies, the mall etc and going places like the beach, park, gardens.

Your friendship with him/her can develop in lots of different ways.

In a relationship

The outcome of any sort of friendship, relationship or ‘thing’ with someone is affected by how well the two of you can communicate with each other.

There are three basic rules to follow:

Talk, Talk and Talk! – KORERO!

Taha Hinengaro

To Elaborate…

1.     Talk – to yourself!

Talanoa!

Be honest with yourself about how you’re really feeling inside. Take a quiet moment for yourself each day and have a good look at what’s happening around you – Who said or did what? What do you think they meant and how did it make you feel? Is it a good, warm, loving feeling? An excited buzz? A nervous twitching uncomfortable feeling? Are you quite afraid and scared of how things are going? Listen to yourself, to your heart. Trust your instincts and act on your own real feelings.

2.     Talk - with your girl/boyfriend!

Fa’atatlana!

Tell them how you’re feeling, why you do what you do. Be clear about what you want or don’t want. Lots of people hear only what they want to, so say important things more than once. Listen to what s/he says to you and how s/he says it. Do you think s/he is being honest? Has s/he understood you? Avoid playing mind games like saying yes when you mean no, or trying to get at her/him through other people.

Practice standing up for yourself quietly, firmly and consistently.

3.     Talk – with your friends, your parents, your workmates.

Talatalanoa!

If it’s about something REALLY important make sure it’s someone you trust and you think will have good advice (maybe a school or phone counselor). Ask any questions – “Should I do this?” “Should I put up with that?” “He said this … whaddayareckoneemeans?” It’s amazing how much you can learn from hearing about other people’s experiences.

If you are into a deeeep relationship stay in touch with the people around you who know you well. It might not feel like your relationship will ever break up, but if it does or if something happens to your partner you’ll need your friends for support.

Look after your friendships and look out for each other!

Respect

YOU can be the best communicator in the world but your boy/girlfriend may not be. If you’ve tried hard to be clear about what you want but they don’t seem to understand, don’t blame yourself, don’t give in or do something you don’t want to do just to keep it going. Stand your ground. Maybe he or she will learn better communication. It’s not just your responsibility. At this point you may want to re-assess how important this person is to you!

As young women we can expect to be in relationships where we are respected, listened to and equal.

We asked a few young women what they wanted in a boy/girlfriend.

Here’s what they said:

• Someone I can trust
• Someone who makes me laugh
• Someone who turns up when they say they will
• Someone who is easy to talk to
• Someone who is honest with me
• Someone caring
• Someone who listens to me.

Violence is Never OK

Eg: hitting, slapping, shouting, pushing, guilt tripping, threatening. It is OK to seek help and speak up if things are going badly even if you’ve done something wrong too. Get help and get out of there!

Go for the best and don’t accept anything less!

The information on this page can be found in the YWCA booklet, Sisters. Sisters is free to young women (age 12-30). For more info or to get your pdf copy, click here. If you would like to read more online about relationships – we recommend The Word and Urge websites. More information and advice can also be found at the places listed on the Help & Links page.