Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

Do you have questions about your sexual orientation? Has one of your friend’s ‘come out’ to you and you don’t know how to handle it? You’re not alone!

Below is a list of frequently asked questions about sexual orientation that the YWCA has received from young women over the last few years. Y-Dub has asked Merryn - an Adult Advisor to Rainbow Youth in Auckland -  and Jan, Executive Director of the YWCA – to provide some responses... 

Q: If I ‘come out’ do I have to be gay all my life?

Merryn says….

“Many people learn more about themselves and their sexual orientation as they grow older, and their choice of partners changes accordingly. If you have come out and identified as gay, and later on find you are attracted to the opposite sex, you are not locked in to anything.  Whatever your orientation, as long as you treat yourself and others with respect, you will enjoy all your relationships.”

Q: My friend just told me she’s a lesbian and that freaks me out – because, does that mean she’s turned on by me or something??

Jan says….

“It is normal to be confused and freaked out when confronted with change and something different. Your friend has probably found this process even more freaky, and will probably be worried about how you’re going to handle this information. Telling you she’s a lesbian doesn’t necessarily mean she’s attracted to you. It probably just means you’re a friend she trusts and likes enough to be honest with. Be there for her.“

Q: What's the difference between 'queer' and 'gay'?

Merryn says…

“They are words people use to describe an aspect of their identity. Gay generally means homosexual and both men and women use the term to describe their orientation.  Queer is more of an umbrella term that embraces many identities, including transgender.  The word has been ‘reclaimed’ as a strong identifying term for many sexual and gender minorities.”

Jan says….

“Both words are identity tags in some way related to sexual orientation. Young women coming out can choose any or all of the following identity tags:

• Lesbian
• Bisexual
• Queer
• Dyke
• Gay girl/woman
• Takataapui
• Someone attracted to “…”

They all have subtly different meanings, choose: none, one, or more to suit you - or find/create another one of your own!"

Q: I’m not into the clubbing scene - how can I meet other lesbian/bi women without going to gay bars?

Jan says…

“This will really depend on where you live. If there’s a clubbing scene, I’m assuming you live in a city. Check out Lesbian Line for a list of groups/ activities to begin with. Most cities have a Lesbian Line service, and the number should be listed in your local phone book.  Most cities have queer youth groups in some form or other, and there are a variety of lesbian sports teams. You could also check out which women’s groups have pro lesbian/bisexual policies that might support women being out – such as YWCA. The internet can also be a good way to meet people.”

Merryn adds…

“ If using the internet, be very aware of your personal safety and don’t give out your other contact details until you can be sure of the other person’s intentions.”

go to the Be Web Safe page for more info on keeping safe online.

Q: I live in a small farming town and I have no idea how to tell people I’m lesbian or how I can meet other lesbian women. Everyone knows me around here and I’m worried they’ll think I’m weird. What can I do?

Jan says….

“Lots of us have been there to some degree or another, and there is not necessarily a simple answer. Sometimes it’s going to be a matter of just biting the bullet and being yourself. But if you’re not so confident/feel your community treats difference harshly, you may have to think about this more carefully. If you have a good network of friends and family, think about their beliefs and approaches to life and choose the person you trust the most to tell first.. Having someone else to talk about this with will be better than feeling so isolated. Just be prepared for them to go through a period of adjusting to this new information about you. Some people and communities do not deal with difference very well and are homophobic. If this is the case in your community it does not make you wrong, it just makes them unsafe people to tell. If it’s like this where you live and you don’t know anyone with accepting world-views, try to set up a network out of your town. The internet can be a good source of networking if you follow basic safety guidelines.”

Merryn says…

“This is a very challenging situation.  Some small towns can be amazingly inclusive of the diversity around them, others can be intimidated and homophobic.  One of the best things every lesbian or bi woman can do in this case is to be proud of who you are.  If you hide your orientation and protect yourself with lies, those around you will assume there is something shameful about your orientation.  Be really matter- of-fact if it comes up.  Hold your head up and gently correct someone who assumes you are heterosexual. “I am attracted to women”, is a really strong way to say this, but don’t be aggressive about it.  Form a small, strong network of friends and act with integrity in your work/school and private life.  Besides attracting others to you, you may open some minds in your community.  Good luck.”

Q: Do I have to use protection with another woman?

Jan says….

“Safer sex play is good sex play!  Safer sex practice includes:

• Communicating
• Having fun
• Using barrier protection for oral and penetrative sex.

Barrier protection is  - as it sounds -  creating a barrier between the bodily fluids and you. Common options for this are: latex gloves for penetrative sex; and dental dams (squares of latex)  for oral sex. A dental dams can be substituted with non-microwaveable plastic food wrap  and is placed over the genital area of the person receiving oral stimulation. Some people find dental dams too small and expensive. If using plastic food wrap (non microwaveable) it’s easy, and kind of fun, for the person receiving stimulation to hold the roll by the top of their pubic area and the other person to hold it at the other end. It is good to stretch the wrap to ensure maximum connection. Latex gloves are easily available by the box-full at most pharmacies. If either  you or your partner have allergies you may need to check out non-powdered options. Gloves or condoms can also be used if you’ve run out of plastic food wrap or dental dams, just slice them in half and spread. Use condoms on penetrative sex toys."

If you have any other questions about safer sex, check out Doing It and the Help & Links page.

Q: What is lesbian sex anyway?

Jan says….

“There are quite a few stereotypes about lesbian sex. None of these can be applied to everyone or every situation. Just as none of them would be true for straight sex. It’s really all about what you and your partner are into. If you are thinking about having sex with a woman for the first time, it’s good to know what you like and be able to communicate this [see the Enjoying It page], and of course return the favour by listening to what she likes. As with heterosexual sex, never agree to anything you’re not comfortable with.”

Merryn says….

“Lesbian sex is what lesbians do when having sex. If you are a woman having sex with another woman, that’s lesbian sex.  You can’t have lesbian sex with a guy.  What different people do sexually, in bed, or wherever, is between them.  There are no rules that are different for men, women, gay or straight lovers.  When being sexual, lesbians do what gives them pleasure. There are no limits except imagination and mutual respect. “

Q: I'm really attracted to this girl in my class but I have no idea how to tell her!

Merryn says….

“This is a tricky one.  What do you want to happen after you tell her? Do you think she will feel the same?  I suggest you wait for a while before telling her. Have some really good chats and explore how she thinks about different stuff. If she is really homophobic, you may risk getting hurt by disclosing your feelings to her.  If you are still a junior at school, this may create hassles for you that you may or may not be ready to deal with.  On the other hand, if you are out and proud at school, and this girl knows you are lesbian, bide your time and see if she is really worth it. “

Jan says….

“It’s pretty much the same deal as if she was a guy.  You’ve got three options:

• Just tell her. Can you deal with the consequences if she’s freaked out or not into it? Can you deal with the possibility she might spread rumours about you because she can’t deal with her own stuff?
• Suss her out more, get to know her better and see if anything develops out of it.
• Waiting for her to ask you out is always an option.

Basically, asking out someone in your class is a very brave thing to do, boy or girl, straight or gay, and you need to be up for the consequences."

Q: Do lesbians always have oral sex?

Jan says…

“The only choice NOT available to lesbians when having sex with a woman is the use of a penis, and even then the penis can be 'replaced' with fingers and/or sex toys. Kissing, foreplay, etc etc are all still an option. The style of sex may be different – women know the way each other’s bodies work pretty well obviously, because their own will be similar. Sadly it is still possible for a woman to have bad sex with another woman, just like it’s possible to have bad sex with a man. If it’s not great your first time/s, this doesn’t mean you’ve made the wrong orientation choice. If you’re thinking about having sex for the first time it might be useful to think about: what turns you on; what you’d like to try; and what you do not want to try. Remember that if you change your mind before or during the act it’s ok, in fact good, to say no or change the plan.”

Q: I have thought I was lesbian since I was 15 and all my friends are lesbian. But now I really like this guy and I want to go out with him, but I’m worried I’ll lose my friends if I do.

Merryn says….

“ It will be really easy for you to tell if your friends are real friends or not. Are your friends only around because they think you are a lesbian?  What will change for them if you go out with this guy?  In the same way we need our heterosexual mates to accept us when we tell them who we are, our gay mates need to accept change and diversity too.   Explore who you are, what you want, learn about you and your world.  If your friends ditch you, you need better friends anyway.”

Jan says….

“I can imagine you went through the same dilemma when you came out as a lesbian. While some lesbians are threatened when others shift their sexual identity, this won’t necessarily be the case with your friends. If your orientation is bisexual  then be proud of that! It’s up to your friends to deal with this new aspect of you and your life. Talk to them, focus on what you have in common beyond sexual orientation, and see how it goes. If your friendship has been based solely around sexual orientation then you may lose a few friends. It can be a stage of coming out for some people to arrange their lives soley around their new identity. If your friends are at this stage then they may feel upset by your choice and find it hard to understand. Talk to them. While being prepared for consequences is a good thing, ultimately living your life proactively is being than living in fear of what might happen."

Q: I heard that people become lesbians because they’ve been abused by men – is that true?

Jan says….

“The quick answer to this is no. Sadly, many women in the world have been abused. However most of these women would still identify as heterosexual, if they were heterosexual before. It’s true that in the 1970/80’s some women chose to identify as lesbians in protest against the patriarchy and male power. Some of these women would have been heterosexual by orientation but lesbian by identity and behaviour. This was/is a political choice and I’d imagine it would be a pretty rare one today. The fact is, many more lesbians make the choice to live as heterosexual when they’re not, out of fear of marginalisation.”

Merryn says….

“No.  Our orientation is part of us as much as our hair colour and height.  If you were not attracted to women, you could not ‘become a lesbian’.  Some women that have suffered abuse from men are very vocal about the fear and hatred they feel.  This does not cause their orientation.  It is understandable to avoid what you have been hurt by, but these women could not force themselves to be attracted to women. “

Q: I need some advice. I’m attracted to guys, but I’m also attracted to women – it’s really confusing and it’s hard to explain to people. My friend reckons I have to chose one way or the other and stick to it – but I can’t.

Merryn says….

“And neither you should!  Your friend is not right in saying you have to choose. It is confusing when your sexuality is different from those around you. If you are attracted to both guys and women, explore both.  If the gender of the person doesn’t matter to you, you will be focussed on what it is about that person’s character that appeals.  Personally, I think that is a really evolved way to approach relationships. Your understanding of your sexuality will continue to grow, and one day you might decide one way or the other – or not. Bisexuality is an orientation too.  Go for it, be yourself and enlighten your friend along the way."

Q: I know I’m attracted to girls more than guys – but can I say I’m a lesbian if I’ve never actually been with a woman?

Jan says….

“Sure you can! I’m sure your straight friends didn’t wait until they lost their virginity before they identified as straight! But at the same time you needn’t rush into taking on an identity tag. You can usually be exploring/ non-identifying and still have access to lesbian/ bisexual groups etc, if you want to.”

Merryn says….

“You don’t need to label yourself if you don’t feel sure.  You know about your attraction for girls and this could mean you are lesbian.  You don’t have to ‘consummate’ your identity.  You are the expert on you. Keep exploring (safely) and see what happens.”

Q: Are lesbians men trapped in women’s bodies?

Merryn says….

“NO. Lesbians are women who love women; they are not trapped in anything.  You may be confusing gender and sexual orientation in this question.  Some lesbians appear more masculine than others, but that doesn’t mean they want to be men.“             

Jan says…

“No, sexual orientation is entirely separate from gender identity. My personal take on why this gets confused is that we associate certain behaviours with what is appropriate for men and women, most of which are socialised. When women claim a sexual orientation other than heterosexuality they break out of one of the core gender traits of women, to act in reference to men. While this might sound quite academic and confusing what I’m talking about is how homophobia can be used to keep men and women locked into traditional roles. For example, when someone calls a stroppy woman “a lesbian” it is homophobia being used to make her behave subserviently. When someone labels a male artist as “gay”, it is homophobia being used to make him behave more macho and agressively. I want to be clear that these comments are not meant to further stigmatise men or women who are trapped in the body of another sex. There are many people who are transgender – that is, they have changed/want to change gender because they feel the gender they were brought up as does not suit them. Their stories and lives are real, and this is not the same as being lesbian/gay."

Q: Why do lesbians all have short hair?

Jan says…

“I don’t! Although most (not all) of my lesbian friends do. How you look isn’t directly connected to your sexual identity, but more lesbians have short hair for any of the following reasons:

• To make it easier to be identified by other lesbians – just like if you’re into skateboarding you might wear skatie clothes because the people you hang out with like that look, and can tell you have the same interests.
• Their politics may challenge the link between femininity and womanhood.
• They think it’s sexier
• They don’t like how they look with long hair, just like anyone might not like having blonde hair, curly hair, spiky hair, orange hair or whatever.

Merryn says….

“They don’t.  Most lesbians choose to wear their hair however they want to.  Many have long, flowing locks and take great pride in it.  Some young lesbians, in an attempt to clearly identify themselves to others, cut their hair very short. However, most will chose a style that they believe best suits them.  Remember, there is no uniform! The way you look does not determine your sexual orientation.  There are some stereotyped images of lesbians and gay men but they do not encompass all queer folk.  If you subscribe to the fact that lesbians and gay men look a certain way, you may limit your own self-expression and that of others."

Q: I’ve been brought up Christian and that’s really important to me, but my church says it’s wrong to be gay or lesbian. Can I be lesbian AND Christian, or is that wrong?

Jan says…

“This is an issue that the YWCA has had to grapple with. The following is part of our policy:

There are more and more churches that share this kind of philosophy. Kia kaha - find somewhere that celebrates you and your beliefs."

Merryn says…

“Yes, you can be lesbian and maintain your religious beliefs. One is an orientation, the other a belief. My understanding of Christianity is that it teaches us to love one another. If your church is using the bible as ammunition in order to discriminate or exclude some people, find a church that embraces everybody.  There are more and more churches welcoming and celebrating diversity.  You sound like you deserve a congregation that loves you for who you are.   You do not hurt anyone by loving someone of the same sex. “

Q: I want to tell my parents I’m in love with a girl, but I don’t even know where to start. I don’t think they’ll get it. What do I say?

Merryn says….

“How wonderful to be in love. Sounds like you are happy with your orientation but are at the next stage of coming out.  Take the next steps slowly and carefully.  Whatever you say, be respectful of the fact that they may not ‘get it’. Prepare them for big news. Saying that you are in love with a girl is probably a good way of going about it.  It may take them time and they may be upset for a while.  However, if you are happy and healthy, they will recognise that.  ‘Invisible Families’ by Terry Stewart is a book I cannot recommend highly enough.  See if you can read it first.  Then offer it to your parents as an information resource.“

Jan says…

“I remember that feeling. It wasn’t so long ago that I told my father, and I’m still not entirely sure he got it. I’m in love with “ ________” seems like a good start. When it comes down to it there’s not much else to say. Of course there will be questions and emotions to respond to. Because you want to tell them I’m assuming you have a fundamentally good relationship. If this is the case: just go for it. Be prepared for them to go through a process not dissimilar to what you felt and thought, when you first realised you were attracted to a girl. So it’s probably a good idea to choose a time when they’re not too stressed or distracted, so you can talk properly. A big family wedding/christmas/birthday for example is probably not the best time!

Parents generally still assume their children are going to be heterosexual. They may well have dreams for you tied up with this. So it’s going to be a process for them of mourning for these lost dreams and working to create another set of dreams that more accurately fit with who you are. The benefits of coming out can be really worth it: a closer, more honest and real relationship and proven ability to deal with change. If you do not have a good relationship, there is violence in your family. or your parents are adamantly homophobic then you might want to think about whether you want to tell them at this stage. You don’t have to. Make sure you know where to go for Help if you do tell them and it goes badly."

If you’ve got any other questions about sexual orientation which you’d like Jan or Merryn to respond to, contact us! Genuine questions will be answered - keep checking this page.