Doing It
Sex Info....
Before we get into talking about sex itself, let’s talk about our options as young women.
There’s a lot of pressure on young women (and men) to have sexual intercourse. This pressure comes from friends, peers, the media image of teenagers – eg magazines, TV programmes etc. It is promoted as ‘the thing to do’.
Think carefully before making a decision to have sexual intercourse. You’ll feel pissed off with yourself if it’s not what you really want. If you are doing it because you feel pressure to ‘perform’ and you’re not saying or doing what you really want, you’re probably not enjoying sex much and you may not be looking after yourself either. There’s nothing wrong with having sex and enjoying it – as long as you feel good about your decision and are prepared – ie you have contraceptives and know how to use them.
 La seu le manu ae taga’i i le galu
It’s YOUR body!! If you do choose to have sexual intercourse with a guy, use a contraceptive and ALWAYS MAKE SURE HE USES CONDOMS!
Think of yourself first.
It’s your body beautiful – look after it.
Getting Physical
If you are getting physical with a guy or a girl then there’s a few important things you need to know.
Getting into close physical contact or sexual intercourse straight away is not always going to strengthen your relationship with that person. Sex in itself doesn’t automatically make the relationship more meaningful.
There are many ways of showing physical affection for each other without having intercourse.
Sex without intercourse (non-penetrative sex) can involve things such as: touching, feeling, stroking cuddling, kissing, or rubbing. These can be just as, or even more, satisfying for both of you.
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Talk about what you want with him/her
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Tell him/her how you feel
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Choose what you feel comfortable with
Celibacy is always an okay option!
Celibacy means making a decision to live without having a sexual relationship for a while.
Celibacy is: “when you choose not to have sex for a certain amount of time.” - Fifth former, Heretaunga College.
Many young women do not have sex regularly and many have never had sexual intercourse for heaps of different reasons but…
“Nobody ever tells you that it’s OK to not wanna have sex and still go out with someone.” Robyn 18yrs.
Celibacy can bring to mind religious ideas – stuff about priests and monks and people with strict ideas about sex. But celibacy isn’t just about saving yourself for marriage or virginity or true love or God.
Celibacy can simply mean a cruisy healthy lifestyle option – a low-stress solution to a heavy question. Talk to your boy/girlfriend about celibacy and why you’ve chosen to be celibate early in your friendship. Stand by your decision when you are with him or her.
Having sex with someone involves an enormous number of physical and emotional experiences. These experiences use up heaps of energy. Being celibate means you can use all this energy in other ways – for yourself, school, work, friendships, and your own stuff.
Faigāuō e aunoa ma le faiāiga mo se vaitaimi
Whakatapu i a koe
Many young women are now CHOOSING to be celibate – at least until they’ve sorted out some stuff like sexual identity, emotions, relationships, good-bad experiences. Also some young women have decided to take time out for themselves for a while.
You don’t have to be a virgin to be celibate.
"I’m just figuring it out for myself without the pressures and complications of having someone looking over my shoulder. I can touch people in safe says and it’s a new feeling. I wish I’d known it’s up to me what I do with my body.” - Robyn 18 yrs.
“I made heaps of friends that year. I did lots of things for myself and my health. I had lots of energy. Then when I wanted to have sex again it was really what I wanted.” - Anne-Marie 20 yrs.
Masturbation
“Sisters – are doing it for themselves..."
Masturbation is a natural part of human sexuality.
Titoitoi
Self-exploration, touching and stimulating yourself, turning yourself on, can be fun and feel good.
Fa’amalieina o Tu’inanauga o le tino
Masturbation is healthy and it’s a good way to:
Masturbation is a form of SAFER SEX. It is satisfying without risks.
Doing IT
So you’ve decided to do the wild thing. The next step is to learn about SAFER SEX. How to use a condom or dental dam. Learn about contraceptives BEFORE things get steamy!
If you’re having sexual intercourse don’t pretend to yourself that YOU can’t, or somehow by MAGIC, won’t get pregnant. Dream on sister! Over half of all teenage pregnancies occur in the first six months of starting to have sexual intercourse.
Don't be out of it when you do it.
The use of alcohol and drugs will SERIOUSLY damage your judgement and negotiation skills. If you’re going out and think you might have sex make sure you take some condoms with you. If you do decide to ‘do it’ stay in control of yourself enough to make sure he USES them.
“Once is all it takes.”
Feeling wild tonight isn’t a good reason to wake up pregnant or infected tomorrow!
Parents
Some parents/caregivers will understand that you have decided to start having sex. Ask their advice. Find out what they know about safer sex.
If your parents don’t support your decision or you don’t want them to know you will have to be really together about how you handle yourself.
Young woman you are valuable - you deserve to look after yourself!
Where to Go
Nofoaga e fa’afeso’ota’i
You can get excellent confidential care, advice and supplies of contraceptives from your doctor, Family Planning (FPA) Clinic, Sexual Health, Student Health or Youth Health Clinic. Whoever you decide to see call them up and make an appointment. You can ask to see a female doctor or nurse if you want. Try to be honest and up front about what you want. If money is a problem tell the doctor rather than not go back again. Some sexual health & youth clinics are free. The more you get familiar with condoms and contraceptives the easier and less embarrassing it is to talk to your doctor about them. Check out the Help page for more info.
“Keep your brain one step ahead of your hormones”
 Condoms
Condoms for sexually active women are like hair dye to Madonna – ESSENTIAL!
 There’s heaps of different colours and flavours and even latex-free kinds for people with allergies. Remember don’t bash them about too much. They don’t like heat and they don’t last forever. Check the use-by date stamped on the packet.
If you’re with a guy who doesn’t want to use a condom for whatever reason (macho, religious, the “it doesn’t feel as good” excuse and so on), think of him as someone who doesn’t care about YOU. Tell him:
“If it’s not on it’s not in”
say:
“Thanks but NO!”
If he’s not the kind of guy who listens to how you want to do things then he’s not the kind of guy who’ll be there to hold your hand at the Sexual Health or abortion clinic, or who’ll help wash nappies.
Some people do have allergies to latex condoms. If either you or your partner are allergic, YOU CAN GET LATEX-FREE CONDOMS. Ask your doctor or local pharmacy for more info.
Pukoro ure
Condoms are a girl’s best friend!
Read the instructions on the packet before the night begins, or with your partner before you want to use them – make it fun!
It’s easier to talk about condoms than to talk about an STI or being pregnant.
How they do the job
The function of a condom is to act as a physical barrier between your bodies. The condom is a fine latex (usually) rubber tube which holds the semen after the guy has ‘cum’. This prevents the transfer of germs (possibly STIs) and sperm, from his body to yours which keeps you healthy and prevents you becoming pregnant. Remember condoms work best with a water-based lubricant.
To use them properly:
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check the ‘use by’ or expiry date on the packet
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open the wrapper carefully, making sure you don’t tear the condom with your fingernails, rings or teeth
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make sure you or he puts the condom on as soon as his penis is hard as semen can start coming out before he actually cums
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squeeze the air from the tip of the condom then roll it right down to the base of this penis
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after ‘cumming’ it is really important that you or your boyfriend holds on to the rim of the condom to keep it securely on his penis while he is withdrawing from your body. This is a time when the condom can easily come off
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use a new condom EVERY TIME!
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spermicidal condoms give you extra protection against pregnancy
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if the guy’s condom-covered penis doesn’t enter you easily, the rubber may tear and it might be uncomfortable for you. You could use a water-based lubricant or gel - eg, KY jelly, Wet Stuff, Glide. You can buy lubricants or get them on prescription when you get your condoms. NEVER use vaseline or baby oil or any other sort of moisturiser – they weaken the rubber and the condom could BURST if you do.
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never put two condoms on at once, the are more likely to break.
If you don’t have any condoms remember, there are plenty of ways you can get physical without having sexual intercourse.
Condoms are your best protection against sexually transmitted infections (STIs) including AIV/AIDS. Condoms – when used properly – are also an excellent contraceptive.
Condoms are available from the same places as listed in the Help section. These will be the cheapest places. You can also buy them at some supermarkets, service stations, vending machines and dairies. Condoms are a smart investment for your healthy future!
Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs)
An STI is a disease or infection which is spread by having unprotected sex - ie, sex without a condom or a dental dam. The germs are spread through direct genital contact and/or the direct contact of body fluids which occurs during sex. There are many different types and they are very common amongst sexually active young women in Aotearoa New Zealand.
Aroha tūpato
If you have any of the following symptoms ring and get an appointment with a doctor or nurse and get yourself checked out:
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an unusual discharge from your vagina
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sores, lumps, or itching on or around your vagina
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a burning feeling when you pee
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pain in the lower part of your tummy.
It may not definitely be an STI but an infection will not go away and may get much worse. If you’re having sex you could also pass it on to a boy/girlfriend. Most STIs are easily treated.
Important: some STIs have NO OBVIOUS SYMPTOMS so if you have had unprotected sex recently then you should get yourself checked out.
Dental Dams (also known as Safer Sex Dams)
A dental dam is a thin square of latex rubber which is placed over the woman’s vaginal area during oral sex. Dental dams are used to prevent STIs such as Chlamydia, herpes and HIV being transmitted during oral sex. If you have a cut mouth, bleeding gums, lip sores or broken skin then this provides a possible entry point into your body for germs so must be protected. Like condoms, the latex rubber is thin but strong so you can have maximum sensitivity and enjoyment more safely! Dental dams can be bought from some family Planning Clinics, Sexual Health Centres, pharmacies and the AIDS Foundation.
ALWAYS USE A CONDOM OR A DENTAL DAM during sexual intercourse or oral sex to protect yourself from STIs.
HIV / AIDS
HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus) is a virus which attacks the immune system and leads to AIDS. AIDS (Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome) develops when someone gets ill because their immune system is weakened by the HIV virus. Currently, AIDS has no cure. The virus is spread for one person to another via direct contact with body fluids – blood, vagina, semen, breast milk (NOT SALIVA). Many body fluids are exchanged during unprotected sex - ie, sex without a condom or a dental dam.
The majority of women in Aotearoa who have HIV / AIDS acquired it by having unprotected sex with a man.
The Contraceptive Pill(s)
There are two different types of contraceptive pills – the Pill and the Progestagen-only Pill (also known as the Mini Pill)
Whatever type you are on you must take the pill regularly as prescribed for it to work!
You can get the pill from a doctor or Clinic and you need a good physical check out before you start on it.
Remember:
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If you forgot to take your pill the pill will not work.
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If you are on antibiotics the pill will not work.
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If you have diarrhoea or vomiting the pill will not work.
Begin taking the Pill regularly again as soon as you can. After seven regular days it should be okay to have intercourse. Check with your health professional if you are not sure.
Remember, the pill (no matter what kind) does NOT protect against STIs. You’ve still gotta use those condoms while on the pill to stay healthy! If you’re into sexual intercourse you must use condoms, and condoms must be used with all other forms of contraceptives to protect you from STIs including HIV/AIDS.
In Case of Emergency…
There are pills you can take to stop getting pregnant.
The Emergency Contraceptive Pills (ECPs) - also known as the Morning After Pill
ECPs are hormone pills that you must take within 3 days (72 hours) of having unprotected sexual intercourse.
Even if you’re just a bit worried - eg, you think the condom might have slipped? – CHARGE down to your doctor, Family Planning Clinic, Sexual Health Service, Youth Health Clinic or pharmacy and ask about the ECPs. It’s better to be safe than sorry!
Emergency Contraceptive Pills are not suitable as a regular method of contraception. Talk to your doctor, nurse or pharmacist about choosing ongoing contraception.
Remember, if you have had unprotected sex you need to have a check for STIs. Ask your doctor or nurse to check you out – it won’t cost extra.
E sili le puipuia i lō le togafitia
Other Contraceptives
The contraceptives most commonly used by young women are condoms and The Pill, but there are a few others options too - Depo Provera (injection), the diaphragm, the IUD for example. Your nurse or doctor will talk to you about the full range and what will suit YOU best.
Remember, all visits to a nurse or doctor are private and confidential.
It is natural to be nervous and unsure about fronting up to a doctor or clinic for contraception for the first time. If you want to, you can take a girl/boyfriend or someone else you trust along with you.
Unplanned Pregnancy
A guided tour through pregnancyville….
Your period is late? Your breasts are sore? You feel sick? You had unprotected sex and you didn’t take the Emergency Contraceptive Pill? You think you might be pregnant? First things first - find out for sure from your doctor or nurse. If you don’t want to go to your family doctor, remember you can always go to a sexual health clinic, youth health clinic or Family Planning Clinic. Pregnancy testing is cheap – sometimes free. You can also buy simple pregnancy tests from a pharmacy, but make sure you get checked out for STIs at a clinic if you have had unprotected sex!
If you’re not pregnant but think you had unprotected intercourse, thank your lucky stars and swear you’ll never unprotected sex again. Ask for an STI check if your doctor or nurse doesn’t offer first.
If you are pregnant and it’s completely unplanned, here’s some ideas on how to handle the situation.
Take a big breath and let it out slowly. Find someone you know and trust:
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Boyfriend - will want to know, but be prepared in case he is shocked and not much practical or emotional help
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Girlfriend - definitely a good choice, though make sure you can trust her and that she won’t blab it to everyone else.
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Parents - people who have had made heaps of mistakes in life and will probably deal with it either really well or really badly. Should you tell them? This will depend on your parents and your relationship with them. Go by your instinct on this one.
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aunty, sister, teacher, school counselor - people you feel safe talking to and will (hopefully) be supportive.
Take time over the next few days to think and talk about it. Go easy on your conscience. Maybe you’re feeling confused? panicky? scared? terrified ? angry? spaced out? grotty? sick? all of these times 10?!
Unfortunately some of the normal things you do to deal with stress, like eating more, drinking more coffee etc, can make you feel even worse when you’re pregnant so GO EASY! Alcohol and cigarettes could damage the fetus if you decide to continue with the pregnancy.
Have a good look at the choices available to you. You could:
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have and care for the baby or
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have the baby adopted, fostered or get legal guardians or
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talk to your doctor or ring one of the places on the Help page to talk about an abortion.
Maybe you know exactly what you want to do – great! Maybe you’re totally unsure…. It may be helpful to talk to a counsellor about your options and to get more information. Contact a Family Planning Clinic, youth health clinic, an abortion clinic (Auckland, Wellington, Christchurch), the Social Work Department of your hospital, or a women's health centre. Remember, it’s normal to have mixed feelings about pregnancy.
Information and advice from the people around you is important but no matter what you do, regardless of what any one else tells you, THERE ARE NO RIGHT OR WRONG ANSWERS. The best response will be the response you choose based on your feelings about what’s good for YOU!
Ma’itō e lē fuafuaina.
Talk about it with someone you know and trust
YOU decide…. It’s YOUR choice.
Kia Kaha!
The information on this page can be found in the YWCA booklet Sisters.
Sisters is free to young women (age 12-30). Click here to get your pdf copy of Sistes
If you would like to read more online about sexual health, contraception, pregnancy etc – we recommend The Word and Urge websites.
More information and advice can also be found at the places listed on the Help & Links page.
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